“I’m so sorry I was sad all the time and didn’t make you feel like you were enough but you were more than enough and maybe that’s why I could never stop crying but I’m sorry sorry sorry god it sucks not seeing your face especially when I know it’s all my fault and I’m sorry I stopped making you laugh and I’m sorry you always had to hold me but I liked it so much it felt like you were holding all my pieces together like you loved me enough to keep me together keep me whole I always felt whole around you even when you broke my heart you were so different from everyone and I felt like a person around you not some window people looked through or some drawer they would rummage through looking for what they needed taking what they needed and closing me up again you kept me open you made me feel whole but I don’t feel whole anymore and I don’t know if there’s anyone else out there who’s willing to hold me together. You used to clutch me so tightly you used to tell me that if I fell apart you’d fall apart too like we were connected by this unspeakable rope and if I let go you’d be all alone and that’s when kept me holding on because I never wanted you to be alone but I must have imagined the whole thing because you let go but we aren’t both alone it’s only me you are okay but you made it seem like you wouldn’t be okay without me and now I’m sad again but you didn’t like it when I was sad but i can’t be happy without you and I’m stuck in this circle of want and why did you let go?”

i’m sorry this is rly long and i just sorta wrote it just now and i’m sorry okay (via lesioned)
“I wish I could tell you I still love you. But I don’t. And I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. But I can’t put myself through this anymore. I was so lost for so long. And you helped me find myself again. And I need to thank you for that. You made everything bright again. You gave me a reason to love again. I will always love you. But not like I used to. I will love you as a friend. As a friend of a friend. I will love the memory of who you once were. And maybe one day he will come back. And I’ll love him again. But although you gave me more joy than anyone in the world, you’re the only person who’s ever put me through this much pain. And you knew you were doing it. I realise now that you’ve always known how I felt. And you used that against me. So I can’t love you anymore. Because I need to let go and move on. I need to fall in love again. And I think I’m close again. I don’t want to be. And I don’t want to let you go. I never want to let you go. But I have to if I’m ever going to be able to love him. And I can’t hurt anyone like you’ve hurt me. I will never do that to a single living soul. Because any normal person would have killed themselves if they’d been put through all of this. And I was close. But I had to be strong. And I was. I was so strong and I proved that I didn’t need you. I proved that I could stand on my own two feet. And most importantly I proved to myself that loving you wasn’t a curse nor a blessing. It was simply a part of my life. A part that helped me grow. A part I will always treasure.
I love you. I will always love you. But I’m done. This is the end. I’ve said it time and time again, and I’ll probably keep saying it. Over and over. And maybe one day I’ll finally start to believe it.
I know what love is and I know what it isn’t. I know I loved you. And I know you loved me. But not like I needed. And maybe I didn’t love you like you needed. Because love isn’t pain. Love isn’t suffering. This isn’t love. I hope I’ve found it. But I won’t hold onto that hope. Because I won’t get hurt again. I won’t. There’s no way I’m going through that again. I needed you and you hurt me. And I won’t do that again.
So this is it. Good luck with your life. Your new girl. I love you. But please stay away. And stay away from him. My boy. If you even try to hurt him I’ll kill you. I know you’re jealous. I know that’s why you lost it that night. But you can’t do that again. Because he’s my best friend. And I’ve done a lot to protect him these past few months. More than you’ll ever know. More than he will ever know. More than anyone will ever know. He scares me. For a lot of reasons. But what scares me most is falling for him. Some days i feel like I am. Some days I don’t. And I don’t want to. I can’t destroy what we have. But I will say this; he’s made me happier than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m finally smiling again. I’m happy.
I’m ready. It’s time for me to let go. I love you. It’s time for our story to end. And mine to begin. This isn’t a story about you anymore. This is my story. And it’s time I started writing it.”

This will never be over (via rhaenysheather)
“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint-it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.”

Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story (via dead-and-scarred)

lalala books ❤
“People are screwed up in this world. I’d rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode”

Ned Vizzini (via lluxus)
“It’s tough to get out of bed; I know that myself. You can lie there for an hour and a half without thinking anything, just worrying about what the day holds and knowing that you won’t be able to deal with it.”

It’s Kind of a Funny Story (Ned Vizzini)
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